A very energetic night. Strobing or flickering lights as soon as I closed my eyes. Again I wonder why? Where does it come from? Who turns on/off the light? Checked moon phase and it’s third quarter. It doesn’t reveal much – if anything at all.
Although I had been meditating quite heavily (but I’ve done it many times without specific results) it’s as if a receptiveness is turned on or phased into. In periods I can’t even begin to penetrate the topics or subjects I easily swim in during other periods. It’s as if there are more than one awareness inhabiting a physical body with different levels of access. Not like taking turns with clear and sharp edges to how it feels but still. It’s strange that sometimes certain information, or a certain way of processing reality, is ultra clear and at other times I don’t even know what it is. Like a struggle between the urge to stay normal and the pressure to evolve. For now these two sides are at odds with each other and not at all i sync. I consider this strong polarized tension to be a defining trait with me.
Anyway, all day I had been quite deep into existential issues, actively questioning the most fundamental identifications in an ongoing effort to make space for a broader multidimensional awareness, developing it and keeping it alive and present at all times. Before bedtime I stumbled on a piece of text that was just about that. In other words the stage was set so perhaps I shouldn’t be so surprised after all but rather just enjoy what might be a small victory along the way toward my goal.
Fluctuating between an unconscious dreamy quality and a vivid dream, I was somewhere in the Gothenburg harbor. In the water… That was – in the dream – shallow enough in some places to walk around in. Dreaminess kicked in and I could therefore not retrieve my jacket that had all what we consider essential to our everyday lives, such as wallet, keys and phone. Identifications that perhaps define us much more than we recognize. So losing all these felt rather serious, and a nervousness and a feeling of having lost it all came over me. Finally it was retrieved with all possessions still in place.
In retrospect it is abundantly clear that it’s about identifications in general that prevents us from seeing a larger picture. Keeping us grounded in that fear of losing the items that anchors us to the life we experience most of the time. The 3D sensory realm.
Along the way I also met a friend whom I’ve cut ties with. He pops up from time to time and it’s always about reconciliation but I’m not ready for that, nor willing. I know the same issues will keep coming back and I don’t have the energy for it.
In life I’ve always had a “weak” sense of identity. A wallflower in a sense. Or an observer. It has troubled me greatly since this is the last thing that is premiered in our culture and so it has brought me much personal pain and confusion along the way. That is luckily changing and has been doing so over the course of the last few years. When I don’t respond to others egos it is the place from where to see things much clearer but man, has it generated a strong pattern of feeling insecure and unworthy. It will still take a long time (it seems) to recover despite knowing more what has happened and what is in play. There’s not a lot around to support me. In fact there is more working against it, than for the healing to take place. No one else to see it, know it. Least of all understand it and actively support it. I miss it so much…
No wonder I prefer being alone over feeling conflicted and weakened over and over again in settings with individuals who has no clue what is going on. That’s what you get for having 100% counter cultural goals in life. But if I had to choose again, I’d rather walk alone. But I’d sure love to be around my own kind too…
On identification, and developing what my dream really was headed toward, I really love this talk by Harvard Professor, Ram Dass aka Richard Alpert: