Challenges coming up. I can feel it. In the years between 2011-2013 I was forced to face some low ego aspects. It was crushing but necessary. Since then I’ve been in a state of inertia (in regards to those ego aspects), despite my efforts to try to push through. There is a natural progression and speed that can’t be rushed much, it seems. Perhaps my drive to get on with it, the shedding of ego adds a little, but it is impossible to say anything about the impact. Now, however I can feel the same areas being touched again, and there is a sense of imminent danger. I know ego won’t go quietly.
Yesterday, I made the decision to have some wine (happens very rarely, but twice in the recent weeks) to try to kill the constant vibes and impression of “being rewired” that I mostly enjoy, but sometimes – like yesterday – I just feel like being really stuck, without it leading anyhere, producing nothing but impatience, and I can’t get a sense of progression in any direction. I wanted to just shut it off for a while, and alcohol is supposed to turn vibey, interdimensional emerging awareness off, or at least I have that idea about it.
No such luck!
I was awoken around 4am with the most severe case of being enveloped in full body vibrations I’ve had in a long time. I felt, as I have a few times before, like I was close to pop out of waking reality at any time. But no, I remain constantly on the verge. It seems that the alcohol only had facilitated to open me up to it. At least it was a small step away from not moving on at all. But the effect was the exact opposite of what I had aimed for. An opening up instead of a closing down. Soon , it produced a dream, about being in school, and a connection or deep comfort being offered me. I’ll get back to that.
There is a sense of precognition of things to come, which I wrote in the beginning of this post. It pertains to both ego and matters of the heart (sometimes ego manages to disguise itself in those terms), and there is a deepening that I anticipate will have great impact. It already has, and it is this deepening that I feel is out of my control. I’m grateful for every catalyst that shows up along my path though (thank you!). The deepening is just happening by itself and I can only watch, and be as present as possible and see what it brings. I’m sure a beautiful disaster is coming. 🙂
Not being in control, patience and letting go is at the heart of it. And in general exposing the ego mind, learning to detach from it better than before.
My mind has really put on a show lately, a spectacle, for me to watch. Basically the conclusion is that mind is quite insane, building scenarios, playing out stories and emotional upheavals without so much as a microgram of external input. It is revealing. Watching the mind jump up and down in its monkey dance helps creating a distance to it, to see it for what it is. But it is also difficult to not be drawn into the motions. This is the part that frightens me a bit, because I suspect t will deepen and let me see the madness at its worst display. That this ghostly entity will give me its best performance this far. Well, bring it on! I’m actually grateful for it, and the catalyst of it, but I don’t expect it to be a walk in the park. Necessary – but jarring.
Dream of being in school
A few scenes stayed in my memory of a dream about being in a school. One of two buildings. It connects to the fact that I’ve applied to two courses in Computer Graphics in real life to get out of unemployment by seriously brushing up my skills and get going in general again. One, aimed at general 3D and another aimed at 3D architectural visualization. I was interviewed a couple of weeks ago, but do not yet know if I’ve been accepted to any of the two courses.
The first scene; arriving at the school buildings. I was directed to one of the two schools/classes and found myself in the foyer of an older house, a stone building with character, perhaps a late 19th century or early 20th century building. I saw a class mate from my school years between class 5 to 7. I’ve no connection to him whatsoever in real life and maybe he was just there because of the sense/fear of going back to school (a signal not to take any of these courses?).
The second scene was in a class room where the benches were placed to form a big U-shape along the walls in the room. I sat as I did in the recent interview in waking reality, on one side of a bench, and I saw a few others on the other side. A woman on my right hand side took my hand and held it gently. I reacted with withdrawing my hand. I felt ashamed because I’m a nail biter. She did however take my hand back again and held and stroked it in a very loving way. I reciprocated the emotion and action. It was so strong that it had the sense of finally coming home, and being deeply accepted. I relaxed and allowed myself to just stay in her loving and comforting aura. I don’t know who she was. Now, it brings tears to my eyes, because I’ve felt so detached my whole life as an adult. I’m on a healing journey from a deep inner split in my life, and it has only been a few years in the making. It will take a long time to be fully healed. To make it worse (or more visible) I also feel cut off from someone I really want an open connection with, and there is nothing I can do about it. So, it felt so good to have this moment of comfort in the light of the difficulties I anticipate. Such a simple act, with such great impact!
The third scene was with a group of people in another room. I noticed the resonant quality of the room, and spontaneously started OMing. I’m not usually into these things so much, but I have tried it in a previous astral projection with interesting results. Maybe I was trying to wake myself up in the dream? A woman that seemed to belong to the school staff turned to me and wanted me to stop. She told me it wasn’t “that kind of a school”, lol! After that I don’t recall much else.