Intimacy, fears and hopes

More vibes, buzzing, ringing ears and stuff than I know what to do with. Phew… It doesn’t produce lucidity but at least affects dream recall positively. A step in the right direction in the thick mind that is mine. I’ll take it!

Dream of intimacy/connection

I found myself at a Facebook friend’s house, in a large room with several beds that made it look a bit like a hostel. There was a feeling of community like when I was living at a folk high school in the late 80’s during a course. An easy going and relaxed way of being together around the clock. At that time, I was however anything but relaxed and easy going, but that’s another story.

I was in a bed in the center of the room with a woman I don’t know from anywhere in real life. Others were around as well. Clothes on and there were nothing of a sexual nature, just a relaxed close intimacy and causal conversation. We did however get so close, that my hands bumped into her breast when I tried to adjust my position, and I said “sorry” but there were nothing to it. I even rested my head on her chest while my hands also rested there, avoiding breast contact and sexual signals. The release of having this contact was significant! I feel that the dream built on the previous school dream with a woman holding my hand, lovingly. Both women were much younger than me. When/if I end up taking one of the CG courses, age difference will be highlighted. Everyone will probably be younger than me. Also, during the interview for the course, they related that it is a common thing that classes end up feeling like a family. I’d take the course for that part alone!

Even if my professional level of quality is already on par with what the students in the second year produce, nothing is a given. But, I’ll know soon, in the month of June somewhere. Then I must decide to accept my spot or not.

Two dreams in a row now, are highlighting this longing for connection. I suspect this growing sense of implosion and catastrophé is connected to this message. i simply must do something about it, Time has run out! Respond to your needs – or else.

The dream is pushing me to look closer at my behaviour and question where I’ve ended up. A loner… A serious loner. I’ve been alone and not having even friends on a monthly basis to interact with. Basically I’ve landed, stranded, in a place where I don’t interact with real people (apart from family) beyond superficial interactions like paying for groceries and the likes. “Sad, very sad”, as the orange guy would put it. Most interaction takes place on Facebook, which has been a good thing. In there is also a sense of emerging opportunity in regards to professional contacts.

Nothing will happen on its own, magically. I tend to be prone to a certain level of magical thinking, and living in my head. At the same time, it is the pressure from this isolation that has been a potent driver in regards to inner development. It has simply been necessary having had this period of deep isolation in order to find the seeds of real healing.

Since my son received his ADHD/autism diagnosis, I’ve started to suspect (much more) that there is something of this nature that has been making my life so damn difficult in regards to social life. I tend to disappear and lose myself around others. I mean to such a serious degree that it borders a sense of disintegration! I’ve tried to get an investigation going, but it is not easy as grown ups are not a priority, and one of my least defining traits is being pushy! A while back, I got to a first level screening interview, and they only focused on the last couple of days, which had been fine (this made me lose confidence in them completely). In any case, I must figure this out myself anyway and I have never been better equipped to do it than now.

Fears – teeth falling out

The woman I was in bed with started to clean my teeth, by scraping off sticky food with her finger nails! I said something like “ok, ok I get it. I’ll go brush my teeth”. I went to the bathroom that was just the next room. It was when I got in there I met Jason, a facebook friend. I had started brushing my teeth (with a ridiculously small toothbrush), when the upper front part just fell out, in one piece, in the handbasin. It was an older model and there was no plug to stop things from falling straight down the drain. I caught them, but one tooth fell off and slowly fell into the pipes. There was no blood and no pain. I remember the sounds of teeth hitting the basin and of the single tooth falling down the pipe. I put them on the left side of the basin, but again they fell down and it damaged the teeth even more, and another tooth fell off.  Jason said something like “what did you think would happen when you leave them there?”. I felt clumsy and had a thought about how expensive it would be to fix this at the dentist’s. Apart from a fear of being unattractive (sticky food on my teeth and losing my teeth) the fear of not having enough resources also bubbled up. Sigh… why not bring everything up at once! Anything else? A lurking death fear? Ego death fear? Yes, i can feel it breathing on my neck. How delightful!

A new hope

On the upside, Something else (nice) just happened that prompts me to return to a feeling captured in and by this piece I made five months ago. But life is not unfolding without hints of great discomfort. All in all, it feels like processes beyond my control is deepening on its own, and it scares me. But I need it. It feels like there’s a BIG surrender coming up removing bullshit and forcing me to own all that has been compartmentalized, to recognize all that has been put on hold. To show up. Can I manage the unknown power and content of this inner pressure? Can I hope to find my way out of my bubble, still in one piece? Or, in a new configuration altogether?

In all this, there is hope. ❤