So, I’ve not been present here for years, after the initial wave of inner experiences and then events that effectively drove me away from the exploration side altogether. I lost the will, the drive and it just seemed pointless. The title of the post/music summarizes much of my life experience for the last few (but still too many) years. The recent madness and events in Ukraine plays a role as well. I don’t know when or if my state of mind will ever change significantly. I feel like I’m grounded on some way station. Inertia. Icy curtains blocking the view of other possible destinations. Feeling robbed of reasons and it just won’t leave. At least not yet. In the meantime, I’m just checking things out over here at WordPress again, and I was curious how this link would be embedded.
Apparently the (K) button is the play button (I don’t see a standard arrow on my end). It’s funny because I have long referred to the Kundalini (probably) energy sensations I’ve had a lot of, for simply “K”.
It’s not every day you get a chance to be part of something with the potential to be a true paradigm shift. Tom Campbell, a former NASA physicist and 40+ years consciousness explorer/researcher has written a TOE, a theory of everything in the form of MBT (My Big TOE), and has concluded that we are, in fact, living in a virtual reality. But words are not enough, and the ones can get things going are the scientists, being the high priests of our culture.
So Tom devised a series of Quantum Physics experiments that are now about to meet the “real world”. But it can’t be done without funding, and these experiments are not so popular in the bastions of materialism so we, the people, need to help them happen.
If you can contribute $10 or more, please do so. This model is relevant to how we conduct basically everything on the planet. It concludes that “Love is the answer”. When was the last time we had a scientific model that had a science of love?
So, it’s not about selling books really. This knowledge opens doors to a more love based world. And share, share, share. We have only 16 days to go! It’s all or nothing on Kickstarter.
For some years now, since having pushed through the veil and having started to have experiences like lucid dreaming, astral projection, OBE’s (very similar at the root), I’ve had the intuition that it isn’t ultimately about the fantastical (seemingly external) things. Focusing on that can promote escapism. No, it is about fusing everything together into one coherent experience of living here and now regardless of environment and events.
To be here. Now. Whole and fully present. Relaxing into it.
Where to begin?
Well, our culture is ill, and it doesn’t know it and so much passes for normal. It makes for a barrier to our subconscious. It is no easy task reclaiming who and what you are, after all cultural programming during formative years, plus the added weight of ridicule from some and the general unawareness of most. The resistance is compact, and especially if you make the mistake of perceiving it as a fight.
Despite that half accepted insight, I personally struggle and I’m at a point I don’t even know where to begin, or continue perhaps. It’s just so much. The urge to understand and heal affects everything in life and makes it hard to stick to the mundane. Tasks, plans and what not. To gracefully play along with the programming of our culture without having issues with it, while all my internal systems are screaming for change, healing and understanding.
Although I have made some advancements, I realize haven’t come very far. It’s humbling. Now, I aim to live to (try to) heal myself and others coming into my life best I know how. Not by thinking I’ve got the solutions, or answers for anyone else but simply to be available, to be the space that few people offer, in my experience. If I can. I will try my best.
Some knots are very hard to loosen, and I may not be as successful as I want. Leaving a situation, letting go, is also to create a pause. Other issues are more recent and a lot easier to resolve, if one dares to stare right into the abyss of one’s own and the other’s actions and feelings. No more sweeping it under the rug.
Time to clearly say no to letting things slide!
I have become better at not hitting the world directly with the first waves of reactivity. It’s funny when you give it some time, because one notices how the mind changes back and forth on its own accord, and it’s weird to see that an opinion isn’t worth the time it took to say it. Diametrically opposing views can both be held as absolute truths, only separated by moments, minutes or hours.
The surface level of mind is unreliable, insane even. The uncertainty around what you really are is highly pronounced when you realize you can’t trust much of what comes out of your mouth and mind. You have to dig deeper! Do not let all that confusion out in the world unbridled, free to get mixed up with other’s unconscious mess, making it almost impossible to solve anything due to the sheer complexity of nesting and layering of fears and confusions.
Ok, I went off on a personal tangent there…
Presence in whatever realm you may find yourself in, is key. Todd Acamesis above invites us to view astral projection from a deeper viewpoint. Prepare yourself and see it as an integrated part of life. And everyday life as a part of your projection activities.
Mid day short projection with no break in consciousness. Moderate vibrations but no particular difficulty in the moment of “exit”.
At this point, I’m prone to say that I’m as good as always taken back to my childhood. This was no exception. As I simply stood up, I was in my room which had a blue carpet. Movement wad fine ut my vision was fairly limited, and it felt like what is referred to as an etheric projection. Hence the choie of image above as the room was not all clear in my vision.
As I didn’t dream anything in advance, I immediately had the presence to be still and focus on stability. I felt my hands against each other, made an affirmation and started moving towards the door. I wanted to follow the birdlike sounds I heard from somewhere.
I only made it a few steps, then it turned black. Shortly thereafter a slamming sensation against my hands that I held in front of me in the void. I didn’t get any further and the feeling of being were my physical body was faded in.
Still, as fully conscious projections are a rare thing it was a success. And excitement never took over to kill it. I think it could have been the belief that one has to get away from the body to achieve fuller stability and a longer projection. Nonsense of course, but beliefs… 🙂
Childhood, always childhood. Hmmm…
I must say I’ve been hugely influenced by Gordon’s OBE journal and the effortlessness displayed. Here’s episode #35 if you feel inclined to watch it.
Lately, dream recall has been high compared to normal levels, as a wakefulness and sometimes sleeplessness during nightly hours has occurred. Quite an energetic period that seems to be over now, but I never know for sure. Several others have been reporting an energetic period as well.
Last night I had a dream, in which Rocío (My son Leo’s mother) and I, found ourselves on a large porch at an old wooden (dark, murky solid) house near a forest. It was evening and quite dark. She drove what looked like a sort of wheelbarrow, but flat and big like a normal sized door. It was noisy and she drove it down some stairs from the porch leading to the back yard. I felt unease because of the noise and we were not supposed to be there (I’m not dare devil, lol), and it was uncertain if the owners were home. I think Leo was around too. She drove it quite fast across the yard and I lost track of her/them in the dark. So, in the dream, I got the inclination to teleport to get to them. This is unusual, because it usually happens in lucid dreams, as a conscious decision, when I’m already aware that I’m dreaming. Recently I also started OMing spontaneously in a dream, which I only ever have done in lucid dreams before.
The decision to teleport triggered lucidity, but instead of remaining in the current scene, I found myself with Leo on some tin covered roof tops in a city environment somewhere. I started to hover, and soon figured it would be interesting to fly to the moon (in an interview with remote viewer Ingo Swann I heard recently they discussed the moon and what, according to Ingo was there, namely “not our stuff”). This might have influenced my decision to go there. I took off and gained quite some speed (I usually do not pick up very high velocity). I aimed for a spot on the partially cloudy sky, that seemed to be the moon. But as I got higher, the spot became a source out of which came a huge flock of seagulls.
At first they appeared just like a big uncoordinated flock but shortly they started to form a geometric spiral pattern. Almost like a grid, that reminded me of a very unusual lucid dream or OBE I had some time ago where I was left hanging in a clear blue sky, with a beautiful grid of large pink vibrating water drops. I heard the sound of rain, and there was a feeling of wetness. Prior to getting there, I had commanded (three times) “remove everything in the dream that is generated by me, keep everything that is external”. First, I was just hanging in the dark grey void, but soon the clear blue sky and the super fresh and vivid scene appeared. A voice said to me “Do you think you are allowed to just do that?” and paused – for effect – and then it answered its own question playfully “Yes, you can!”. There was somehow a similarity between that geometry, grid, and this “grid of seagulls”.
But did I limit myself, trying to reach higher, to the moon or was there an external force that intervened? I really don’t know. There was a sense of limit, not getting past a level or boundary. There was not a sense of someone else communicating to/with me this time.
When I felt I could not reach higher, I turned my head around and looked down. Instantly I was in the water, an ocean somewhere, with my head just above the surface (surface, limits, boundaries etc stands out.)
It transformed into a non-lucid scene. In the water, I was standing, balancing very well on some small object under my feet. About twenty meters away, two huge waves started forming and heading my way. They seemed to be about 4-5 meters high. I anticipated them, kept my balance as they hit me, was thrown up into the air a couple of meters (above the crest of the waves) maybe, and then landed perfectly in balance on the surface again. After that, I don’t remember much else. Something about a red/yellow plastic duck. To find Leo, I had to find the duck. 🙂
But the waves… Consciousness surfing? Metaphorically, the sense is; “don’t fear the waves in your life, you will be able to remain in balance”. Well, that’s a comfort.
More vibes, buzzing, ringing ears and stuff than I know what to do with. Phew… It doesn’t produce lucidity but at least affects dream recall positively. A step in the right direction in the thick mind that is mine. I’ll take it!
Dream of intimacy/connection
I found myself at a Facebook friend’s house, in a large room with several beds that made it look a bit like a hostel. There was a feeling of community like when I was living at a folk high school in the late 80’s during a course. An easy going and relaxed way of being together around the clock. At that time, I was however anything but relaxed and easy going, but that’s another story.
I was in a bed in the center of the room with a woman I don’t know from anywhere in real life. Others were around as well. Clothes on and there were nothing of a sexual nature, just a relaxed close intimacy and causal conversation. We did however get so close, that my hands bumped into her breast when I tried to adjust my position, and I said “sorry” but there were nothing to it. I even rested my head on her chest while my hands also rested there, avoiding breast contact and sexual signals. The release of having this contact was significant! I feel that the dream built on the previous school dream with a woman holding my hand, lovingly. Both women were much younger than me. When/if I end up taking one of the CG courses, age difference will be highlighted. Everyone will probably be younger than me. Also, during the interview for the course, they related that it is a common thing that classes end up feeling like a family. I’d take the course for that part alone!
Even if my professional level of quality is already on par with what the students in the second year produce, nothing is a given. But, I’ll know soon, in the month of June somewhere. Then I must decide to accept my spot or not.
Two dreams in a row now, are highlighting this longing for connection. I suspect this growing sense of implosion and catastrophé is connected to this message. i simply must do something about it, Time has run out! Respond to your needs – or else.
The dream is pushing me to look closer at my behaviour and question where I’ve ended up. A loner… A serious loner. I’ve been alone and not having even friends on a monthly basis to interact with. Basically I’ve landed, stranded, in a place where I don’t interact with real people (apart from family) beyond superficial interactions like paying for groceries and the likes. “Sad, very sad”, as the orange guy would put it. Most interaction takes place on Facebook, which has been a good thing. In there is also a sense of emerging opportunity in regards to professional contacts.
Nothing will happen on its own, magically. I tend to be prone to a certain level of magical thinking, and living in my head. At the same time, it is the pressure from this isolation that has been a potent driver in regards to inner development. It has simply been necessary having had this period of deep isolation in order to find the seeds of real healing.
Since my son received his ADHD/autism diagnosis, I’ve started to suspect (much more) that there is something of this nature that has been making my life so damn difficult in regards to social life. I tend to disappear and lose myself around others. I mean to such a serious degree that it borders a sense of disintegration! I’ve tried to get an investigation going, but it is not easy as grown ups are not a priority, and one of my least defining traits is being pushy! A while back, I got to a first level screening interview, and they only focused on the last couple of days, which had been fine (this made me lose confidence in them completely). In any case, I must figure this out myself anyway and I have never been better equipped to do it than now.
Fears – teeth falling out
The woman I was in bed with started to clean my teeth, by scraping off sticky food with her finger nails! I said something like “ok, ok I get it. I’ll go brush my teeth”. I went to the bathroom that was just the next room. It was when I got in there I met Jason, a facebook friend. I had started brushing my teeth (with a ridiculously small toothbrush), when the upper front part just fell out, in one piece, in the handbasin. It was an older model and there was no plug to stop things from falling straight down the drain. I caught them, but one tooth fell off and slowly fell into the pipes. There was no blood and no pain. I remember the sounds of teeth hitting the basin and of the single tooth falling down the pipe. I put them on the left side of the basin, but again they fell down and it damaged the teeth even more, and another tooth fell off. Jason said something like “what did you think would happen when you leave them there?”. I felt clumsy and had a thought about how expensive it would be to fix this at the dentist’s. Apart from a fear of being unattractive (sticky food on my teeth and losing my teeth) the fear of not having enough resources also bubbled up. Sigh… why not bring everything up at once! Anything else? A lurking death fear? Ego death fear? Yes, i can feel it breathing on my neck. How delightful!
A new hope
On the upside, Something else (nice) just happened that prompts me to return to a feeling captured in and by this piece I made five months ago. But life is not unfolding without hints of great discomfort. All in all, it feels like processes beyond my control is deepening on its own, and it scares me. But I need it. It feels like there’s a BIG surrender coming up removing bullshit and forcing me to own all that has been compartmentalized, to recognize all that has been put on hold. To show up. Can I manage the unknown power and content of this inner pressure? Can I hope to find my way out of my bubble, still in one piece? Or, in a new configuration altogether?
Challenges coming up. I can feel it. In the years between 2011-2013 I was forced to face some low ego aspects. It was crushing but necessary. Since then I’ve been in a state of inertia (in regards to those ego aspects), despite my efforts to try to push through. There is a natural progression and speed that can’t be rushed much, it seems. Perhaps my drive to get on with it, the shedding of ego adds a little, but it is impossible to say anything about the impact. Now, however I can feel the same areas being touched again, and there is a sense of imminent danger. I know ego won’t go quietly.
Yesterday, I made the decision to have some wine (happens very rarely, but twice in the recent weeks) to try to kill the constant vibes and impression of “being rewired” that I mostly enjoy, but sometimes – like yesterday – I just feel like being really stuck, without it leading anyhere, producing nothing but impatience, and I can’t get a sense of progression in any direction. I wanted to just shut it off for a while, and alcohol is supposed to turn vibey, interdimensional emerging awareness off, or at least I have that idea about it.
No such luck!
I was awoken around 4am with the most severe case of being enveloped in full body vibrations I’ve had in a long time. I felt, as I have a few times before, like I was close to pop out of waking reality at any time. But no, I remain constantly on the verge. It seems that the alcohol only had facilitated to open me up to it. At least it was a small step away from not moving on at all. But the effect was the exact opposite of what I had aimed for. An opening up instead of a closing down. Soon , it produced a dream, about being in school, and a connection or deep comfort being offered me. I’ll get back to that.
There is a sense of precognition of things to come, which I wrote in the beginning of this post. It pertains to both ego and matters of the heart (sometimes ego manages to disguise itself in those terms), and there is a deepening that I anticipate will have great impact. It already has, and it is this deepening that I feel is out of my control. I’m grateful for every catalyst that shows up along my path though (thank you!). The deepening is just happening by itself and I can only watch, and be as present as possible and see what it brings. I’m sure a beautiful disaster is coming. 🙂
Not being in control, patience and letting go is at the heart of it. And in general exposing the ego mind, learning to detach from it better than before.
My mind has really put on a show lately, a spectacle, for me to watch. Basically the conclusion is that mind is quite insane, building scenarios, playing out stories and emotional upheavals without so much as a microgram of external input. It is revealing. Watching the mind jump up and down in its monkey dance helps creating a distance to it, to see it for what it is. But it is also difficult to not be drawn into the motions. This is the part that frightens me a bit, because I suspect t will deepen and let me see the madness at its worst display. That this ghostly entity will give me its best performance this far. Well, bring it on! I’m actually grateful for it, and the catalyst of it, but I don’t expect it to be a walk in the park. Necessary – but jarring.
Dream of being in school
A few scenes stayed in my memory of a dream about being in a school. One of two buildings. It connects to the fact that I’ve applied to two courses in Computer Graphics in real life to get out of unemployment by seriously brushing up my skills and get going in general again. One, aimed at general 3D and another aimed at 3D architectural visualization. I was interviewed a couple of weeks ago, but do not yet know if I’ve been accepted to any of the two courses.
The first scene; arriving at the school buildings. I was directed to one of the two schools/classes and found myself in the foyer of an older house, a stone building with character, perhaps a late 19th century or early 20th century building. I saw a class mate from my school years between class 5 to 7. I’ve no connection to him whatsoever in real life and maybe he was just there because of the sense/fear of going back to school (a signal not to take any of these courses?).
The second scene was in a class room where the benches were placed to form a big U-shape along the walls in the room. I sat as I did in the recent interview in waking reality, on one side of a bench, and I saw a few others on the other side. A woman on my right hand side took my hand and held it gently. I reacted with withdrawing my hand. I felt ashamed because I’m a nail biter. She did however take my hand back again and held and stroked it in a very loving way. I reciprocated the emotion and action. It was so strong that it had the sense of finally coming home, and being deeply accepted. I relaxed and allowed myself to just stay in her loving and comforting aura. I don’t know who she was. Now, it brings tears to my eyes, because I’ve felt so detached my whole life as an adult. I’m on a healing journey from a deep inner split in my life, and it has only been a few years in the making. It will take a long time to be fully healed. To make it worse (or more visible) I also feel cut off from someone I really want an open connection with, and there is nothing I can do about it. So, it felt so good to have this moment of comfort in the light of the difficulties I anticipate. Such a simple act, with such great impact!
The third scene was with a group of people in another room. I noticed the resonant quality of the room, and spontaneously started OMing. I’m not usually into these things so much, but I have tried it in a previous astral projection with interesting results. Maybe I was trying to wake myself up in the dream? A woman that seemed to belong to the school staff turned to me and wanted me to stop. She told me it wasn’t “that kind of a school”, lol! After that I don’t recall much else.
Several days of losing much sleep every night takes its toll.
With some regularity now, I have this sense of feeling energies strongly – like someone else (not me, an external influence) just pushed the ON-button somewhere, a few days before a full moon. I’m just wide awake. Like my soul had way too much spiritual caffeine on its nightly secret travels!
Kundalini Latte anyone?
It is consistent enough to make me reflect on it. But to make any sense of it? No. Apparently I must simply be content with the act of recognition. There is a lot of training pertaining to one’s awareness and maturity in general, in terms of consciousness evolution, and particularly to anything relating to non-physical awareness. Mostly, I’m grateful because I have now much better general feel for it than a only a few years back.
Vibrations in the core of by being. Lots of the ringing ears, multiple modulated frequencies coming in waves. Some call it downloads. It is always the same symptoms that comes on strongly when I’m about to lucid dream, or have a conscious projection, an OBE / astral projection. My intuition is that it is some kind of general preparation going on, but I just can’t make much logical sense of it here in an Earth, 3D setting, from within the limited human awareness. I just know there’s more going on than what I can be consciously aware of.
Thankfully, I’ve moved from being very eager to get “out there” and explore to a much more laid back position that basically is fine with waiting lifetimes for things of an extra-physical nature to unfold naturally. Organic growth can’t really be forced, and I do feel that there are effects even if I’m not pushing actively for the experiences now. Not that I don’t ever try to get over the threshold, but I rather stay curious about how it feels being on the verge and easing into whatever experience wanting to get through than pushing manically to produce anything at whatever cost.
Music making
It has really been moved to the foreground in the recent months. Productivity – and quality of output – is increasing and especially in terms of getting things done. Still there is a lot to be done in that respect, but the difference is quite huge. With the computer as the main tool, there has been an incredible explosion, in recent years, of instruments and tools, Much of my focus has been of a technical nature. A necessary learning in an area that just keeps expanding exponentially on a daily basis. I have more tools than I know what to do with, but I am getting better at focusing on the content – the heart of music making.
Two very different animals (not the cows!) are evolving simultaneously. Excursions into saturated overloaded pulsating Electronica and walks through light hearted, acoustic sounding vistas. This piece, however, has a jazzy feel to it.
Eyes – and heart – open. Life happens for you, not to you. Embrace everything.
Consciousness Continuum 